the collision of your kiss...that made it so hard. that made you a star

2008-04-23T03:09:15Z

Prologue:

You can trade me for an apparition.

Terror. Screams. Masks fell from the ceiling.

The world had become violent; it was no longer motionless.

I reached for her hand. I turned to look into her wide, scared eyes.

I knew that the panic in her eyes reflected mine.

I tried to tell her that she didn’t need to be scared, even though it wasn’t true.

I wanted to tell her that it was okay and that we would wake any moment to find it was all a dream gone wrong.

But my mouth couldn’t find the words.

It was frozen, wide open. Forming a silent scream.

Hand in mine, into your icy blues. You’re not alone.

We began our downward descent.

All goes black.

And now should I be shocked

By the last thing you said?

I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone. Honey if you stay I’ll be forgiving, nothing you can say can stop me going home…

The crowd screamed. There were whistles, people demanding an encore. My cheeks were wet and not because the mosh is hot and sweaty. I had never cried so hard in my life. It was the last time anyone would ever see them play live. I had somehow been able to get tickets to their last ever show, which was of course performed in New Jersey. It was the first and last Jersey show of theirs I would ever watch. I had been over the moon when I had gotten these tickets. I had just gotten a job and finally all those days of working were going to get me somewhere. But my world came crashing down when I found out that the rumour I had chosen to ignore for so long was, in fact, true. My Chemical Romance was taking a break. And as Gerard had once said, they may ‘one day come back together as old friends’. I went into a depression for so long that I didn’t even realise the show was in one week until Rose had asked me what I was taking. In saying that; where was Rose?

* * * * *

I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone. Honey if you stay I’ll be forgiving, nothing you can say can stop me going home…

I took in a deep breath, taking in the smell, committing it to memory. This was it. The moment I knew would happen, but longed for it not to. I knew it was going to happen once we had written the Black Parade. But then once we’d gone on tour again, been reminded of just how great our fans are; we realised that we weren’t ready to say goodbye.

But now we had. This was our last show, of course in New Jersey. We’d started here and now we were ending here. They blacked out the stage. I could hear people shouting for an encore but they knew that Famous Last Words would always be our last song. I stayed on stage. The rest of the band lingered but went backstage pretty quickly. The audience was lit so they could leave. I watched them leaving, noticing how many of them had tears running down their cheeks, leaving black marks, but also seeing some of them smile. It was hitting them that they’d never see us live again. Some people stared at the stage, looking rather empty. But there was still one girl standing up against the gates at the front of the mosh pit. It looked as though she was staring at me. I looked back at her. We stayed there looking at each other for what seemed like a long, long time. I looked back to the crowd when fresh tears started to wash away the mascara marks on her cheeks. I realised that there was no-one there anymore. Even the security guards had left. How bizarre. Why hadn’t they made the girl leave? They never let people stay. Perhaps they felt sorry for her because it was our last concert. I jumped down to the area between the stage and the mosh and stood in front of the girl. Her face was a mixture of emotions. She was sad and was still crying. I wondered if she realised she was crying. She didn’t wipe away her tears. But her eyes looked excited. I realised that of course she would be. I’m the lead singer of her favourite band. But there was something that stopped her from grinning like a little kid and screaming my name or fainting as per usual. She just smiled a little and put out her left hand. I took it in mine and took a step forward so that I stood as close as I could to her. I bought our interlaced hands up to her cheek and wiped away her tears. Then I put our hands down again. She let go of my hand and hugged me. It wasn’t an Oh-my-god-you’re-Gerard-Way hug like I’d gotten from any other stranger the last few years; it was just a hug of comfort. I slowly put my arms around her shoulders and hugged her back.

* * * * *

My life as I currently knew it was over. I wouldn’t be watching MCR’s website any longer for when their next show in my hometown would be. Nor would I hear a new song of theirs or a whole new album. I’d forgotten what it was like to hear a new song from them. I longed to be able to countdown to another concert, another album, another music video. I still wanted to watch a new Life on the Murder Scene no matter how short or long it was. Surely they could have done something else than do some tour to say goodbye?! I was at the very front of the mosh, leaning right up against the gates. I stayed there even as the stage was blacked out and the lights put on so the audience could leave. I decided to stay as long as possible, even if it meant being dragged out of here. I doubted I would be. It seemed as though no-one could see me tonight. I had been let in the doors without being asked to see my ticket. In fact, I couldn’t even remember what had happened before I walked in that door. I remember being on the plane sitting next to Rose and then there is a long hazy period. Then I was here walking in the doors to see the show. Rose wasn’t here. I couldn’t remember why but I knew that for some reason she couldn’t make it. I’ll call her in a minute to ask her what’s happened. I don’t have any of my stuff. Perhaps I put it in a cloak room? I started to look around for a cloakroom when I noticed that someone was still standing on stage. I didn’t think it was a crew member, starting to clear off the stage, as they just stood there. It then occurred to me that I hadn’t see Gerard leave the stage. The person who I thought was Gerard stood still, in the front centre of the stage. Right in front of me. My eyes started to adjust to the dark stage and I could see that his face was turning slightly to each side. I realised that he must have been watching the fans leave. I stared at his face. Then, his eyes met mine. We stared at each other for so long, that we were soon the only ones left. He jumped off the stage and came to stand in front of me. I reached out. He took my hand and stepped towards me so that we were as close as we could be with a gate in-between us. I realised, as his hand touched mine that he was the first person to recognise that I was here. That I exist. He bought our hands up to my face and wiped away my tears. I didn’t realise that I was still crying. He let our hands drop. I let go of his hand and hugged him. I took in the heat of him, the softness and I noticed that for a second he hesitated. But then he just accepted that I wasn’t going to start screaming hysterically because I was a fan. I just needed a hug and I sensed he needed one too. I hugged him for a while, just taking him in, storing it all away in my memory for future reference. I then let go, smiled and turned away. I didn’t think he would want me to hang around; he probably just wanted to be with his band mates. And I needed to call Rose somehow. Something didn’t feel right and I needed to know what. I started to walk away; fresh, happy tears running down my face, when I heard someone calling after me.

‘Hey, wait!’

I slowly turned around, trying not to get my hopes up.

It was Gerard. He looked confused.

‘Where are you going?’

‘Uh…I thought that you may want to get backstage… and celebrate or whatever with your friends and um, family. I didn’t want there to be any awkward-ness, so, er, I walked away’

Great. I was stammering. When it comes to hugging him I’m fine, but talking…

‘Hey, you’re Australian. Wow. You came all this way to see this show?’

‘Yeah. What fan wouldn’t?’

‘Oh. OK. Well, anyway I have no-one to “celebrate” with. Everyone is drowning their sorrows by themselves or with their partners. I don’t drink and didn’t really want to be around everyone at the moment, so…’

‘OK. Well, what do you want to do then?’

Was he asking me to stay with him? Or should I just assume?

‘Well, is there anyone waiting for you? Or did you come by yourself?’

‘I came by myself. I was meant to come with my sister, but she couldn’t come. I don’t know the reason why. She was on the plane coming here with me and then I just kinda woke up here and found I was by myself...’

‘Wait…huh? What do you mean you woke up here?’

‘I was on the plane with my sister and we had about another two hours till we got to JFK airport. Then there’s just a hazy blank period of time. Then I was here. Walking inside the doors to see the show. Rose was no longer with me and I just have a feeling something happened…’

‘Do you feel sick at all? Maybe someone spiked a drink you had?’

‘No I don’t think so. Rose and I were planning to come straight here after the show and we were buzzed enough to not need any alcohol. I have no idea how I got here or where I put all of my stuff. I had a huge suitcase with two weeks worth of clothes. And a carry on bag with my phone. I really think I should call Rose. Do you know where a payphone is?’

I was really starting to freak out. What was going on? Why couldn’t I remember what had happened? And why had I just gone through the concert without realising I shouldn’t be here alone?

‘Here; you can use my phone. Just calm down, you look pretty stressed’

‘Well, who can blame me? I can’t remember about ten hours of what I did today. I just need to make sure Rose is OK’

I dialled her phone number. I listened to the dial tone, my stomach twisting into tighter knots with every ring I heard. The phone rang out. It didn’t even go to her message bank. That confirmed my fears. Something was really wrong. I redialled the number, starting to pace the floor of the mosh pit. Gerard was standing off to the side, looking puzzled.

I let the phone ring a few more times and then snapped it shut. OK, now I had reason to panic.

‘She’s not answering. It didn’t even go to message bank. Something bad has happened. I need to go to the airport or perhaps the police station and find where she is.’

‘I’ll stay with you. Be your protector you know…it’d give me something to do. Get my mind off what happened tonight.’

Was he seriously just offering to stay with me? To be my protector? My heart flipped. Even in all this panic I was still star struck.

‘Well, yeah that would be great. I need someone to take me places. I don’t have any money for a taxi so I’m stranded without someone to help me. Could you take me to JFK? I think that’s where I should start my search’

* * * * *

‘Well, is there anyone waiting for you? Or did you come by yourself?’

That was so confusing.

‘Wait…huh? What do you mean you woke up here?’

‘Do you feel sick at all? Maybe someone spiked a drink you had?’’

She looked really freaked out. I could understand why. How scary to just get here and not even know how. Especially in a foreign country all by yourself.

‘Here you can use my phone. Just calm down, you look pretty stressed’

‘Well, who can blame me? I can’t remember about ten hours of what I did today. I just need to make sure Rose is OK’

She flipped open the phone and dialled the number. She listened to the ringing and had her fingers crossed. She hung up and tried again. She started to pace the floor. She snapped the phone shut. The expression on her face told me she somehow knew there would be no answer.

‘She’s not answering. It didn’t even go to message bank. Something bad has happened. I need to go to the airport or perhaps the police station and find where she is.’

I’d have to go with her. There’s no way she’d be able to do this alone. And I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her just yet…

‘I’ll stay with you. Be your protector you know…it’d give me something to do. Get my mind off what happened tonight.’

She looked pretty shocked. But pleased at the same time.

I smiled. No, actually I grinned. For once I was going to be the protector instead of the protected.

‘Sure we can go there right now.’

‘Shouldn’t you tell someone where you’re going? Surely they’ll wonder…?’

How sweet for her to think someone would care of my whereabouts.

‘Oh, no don’t worry, they won’t care. No-one is even sober enough anymore to notice.’

‘OK then. Let’s go. How are we getting there anyway? Sorry if I reek by the way. The smell of my t-shirt right now is making me want to puke.’

She didn’t smell at all. Actually, she smelt great, something really familiar that I just couldn’t put my finger on…

‘OK, do you want me to get you one of my shirts from backstage? Actually I’ll have to. There’s no way you can go outside in this weather in just a t-shirt. We’ll get you clothes than I can drive; my car is just out back.’

‘OK, just as long as we’re quick. I really want to get to the airport. It’s important I get there real soon’

‘Sure thing. Come on, I’ll take you to my dressing room.’

I turned around and started walking back towards the stage. I took her down a hallway and into a small room.

‘OK, this bag is filled with clothes that I was going to change into. I’ll have to dress warmer too but I have spare clothes. I think we have some merch here too that would fit you better. Lucky I have a spare coat. You’re really going to need it. Here are some pants. We’ll get the rest of your clothes from the merch. Come with me. We have a whole room filled with it’

She followed me further down the hall to a room filled with boxes. I dug around and came up with clothes for her.

‘OK. Here’s a long sleeve shirt, a t-shirt, a belt, a hoodie and a scarf. You can change in here; I’ll go change in the other room. Meet me in the hall when you’re finished’

I walked back to the other room to get changed. Only I could ever get into a situation like this. A fan that may have lost her mind and got here without knowing how. And yet I’m taking her to the airport even though she should probably go to the hospital and get checked out. All well. It’d be an adventure I suppose. The look on her face told me she wasn’t lying about her situation. I went into the dressing room and got into my spare clothes. Hopefully it wasn’t snowing outside. I put my stage clothes in my bag and looked around the room for anything I may have left behind. Nope, nothing. What about coffee? I had a feeling this was going to be a long night and I was going to need a lift. No, not of that either. Damn. Well, I’ll just have a smoke instead. I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder. I walked out into the hallway to wait for…Huh. I didn’t know her name. I must remember to ask. I pulled a cigarette out of one of the many pockets of my suitcase and lit it up. I stood waiting in the hall, pondering about how one could know so much about a person yet not even know such a basic thing as their name. She came into the hall all dressed in merch.

‘Well, won’t take many guesses to figure out who my favourite band is’

She shook her head and giggled. She looked so pretty when she laughed. Her eyes lit up, and she looked happy, the confusion and worry flickering from her face for just a moment.

I smiled while smoking the last of my cigarette. I inhaled it deeply, dropping it to the floor and stepping on it before blowing out the smoke.

‘Come on then, let’s go get my car’

* * * * *

We walked back into the hall and walked into another room filled with different sized boxes. He started opening ones at random and digging around, pulling items of clothing out and checking the sizes. Eventually, with his arms full, he turned back to me.

‘OK. Here’s a long sleeve shirt, a t-shirt, a belt, a hoodie and a scarf. You can change in here; I’ll go change in the other room. Meet me in the hall when you’re finished’

He handed all the clothes to me to add to the pants and coat he’d already given me. He walked out and shut the door. I put the pile of clothes on a chair and started peeling off the sweaty clothes that were stuck to me thanks to the mosh pit. I pulled on the pants he’d given to me and found they were way too long. I looked around in the closet next to me and found a pair of black boots. I rolled the pants a little and shoved the boots on. Perfect fit. They cut off halfway up my calf, so they were perfect to wear over the pants. Guess they were meant to be mine then. I started to put on all the layers he’d given me, noticing how the MCR logo was plastered over everything. I smiled noticing that none of it was Black Parade merch. Old logos from the Revenge days. Just the way I liked it. Finally, I put the scarf around my neck and grabbed the coat. Seeing how thick it was I decided I wouldn’t put it on just yet. I didn’t need to look like a marshmallow until I really had to. I looked at the sweaty, smelly pile of clothes I’d just taken off. I really didn’t need them. They were only going to be annoying to walk around with, so I picked them up and tossed them in the bin. I walked over to the door and opened it to find Gerard standing right outside, smoking. Ew. Perhaps if I got time I could miraculously talk him out of smoking. He looked me up and down and I felt a little self conscious.

‘Well, won’t take many guesses to figure out who my favourite band is’

I laughed. It felt good to laugh and shake off the worry that was starting to overwhelm me. He smiled and put out his cigarette, blowing out the last of it.

‘Come on then, let’s go get my car’

‘Thanks for taking me by the way’

‘Hey, I haven’t done anything yet. And I realised I don’t know what your name is. So, what’s your name?’

‘My name’s Alice’

‘That’s a name you don’t hear much anymore. Rose and Alice, huh?’

‘Yeah, my mum was in a nineteenth century literature phase at the time. Did I mention that Rose is my twin?’

‘No, you didn’t. Can you guys read each other’s minds?’

I looked at him to see if he was being serious. He wasn’t; he had a goofy grin on his face, as though he thought he was being funny. I stopped myself from rolling my eyes and just smiled a little.

‘Do you know how many times I’ve heard that? But, no, we can’t read each other’s minds. Or talk telepathically. But we are extremely close so we often finish one another’s sentences. And we, well, we pretty much take the words out of each other’s mouths. All the time. But that’s only because we know each other so well. You know how you can be like that with friends if you’re really close?’

He got this really sad look on his face all of a sudden and he looked down at the ground.

‘Yeah, I know what you mean…Exactly what you mean…’

He trailed off. Looks as though he was having a trip down memory lane. By now we had reached a door. He walked out and turned to hold the door open for me. I was about to say thank you but he was still off somewhere else. I decided to stay silent until he talked again. He walked in front of me quickly, but slowing down so that I could keep up. I was happy to walk fast; it was freezing! As soon as he opened the door and I felt that ice cold wind, the marshmallow jacket went straight on. We continued to walk in silence. He looked ahead at nothing particular. I was studying him. He was really into whatever he was thinking. Were we ever going to get to the car? Just as I wondered that he stopped at a silver sedan. He unlocked the door and got in. I tried to open the passenger door but found it was still locked. He reached across and opened my door. Good, he wasn’t so far away that he had forgotten I was here. I sat down and did up my seat belt. He started up the car and drove out of the car park. Man, it was freezing. I could see my breath clouding in front of me. Gerard didn’t seem to notice. Was he that used to it? Surely you could never get used to temperatures this cold. My teeth started chattering. I tried to clench my jaw to make them stop but I couldn’t. They just chattered away while I shivered uncontrollably.

‘Oh, I’m sorry! I’ll turn the heating up real high. You must be so cold! I’m so sorry. I was thinking’

‘I noticed’

I turned as many vents towards me as possible and put my hands up against them. They slowly started to regain feeling. Gerard was silent again. Thinking. Pretty hard by the looks of it. He was frowning.

‘Um, Gerard?’

‘Yeah? Are you still cold? I’ll turn the heating up higher’

‘No, I’m fine. But are you?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine. I’m used to the cold’

He wasn’t getting me.

‘That’s not what I meant. Are you okay? You’ve been thinking about whatever it is you’re thinking about for the last ten minutes. And you’re frowning. So, it’s not a happy thought. What’s wrong? Did I say something?’

Now it was my turn to frown.

‘No. You didn’t say anything bad. I was just thinking about something that happened…’

He trailed off again. He was studying my face. Deciding if he could trust me enough to tell me about it or not.

‘It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me. It’s none of my business. I was just checking that you’re okay. You go back to your thoughts, I’ll see if I can remember anything from today’

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the headrest. I was going to have to really concentrate if I was going to remember anything from today. Perhaps I should start from when I last remember seeing Rose…

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